Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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