If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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