Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
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Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
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The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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