Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
