she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
