party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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