Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
