dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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