One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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