Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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