ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
