If i could tip my vagina, i would.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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