So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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