Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
