For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
