I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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