Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
