I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
