I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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