I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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