He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
