What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
