I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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