Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
