Say something about gay babies.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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