Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
