I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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