I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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