help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
