My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
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