Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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