I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I wish you could order shots online.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
