At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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