Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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