dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I looked at my own cervix.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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