thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
