I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
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