Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
