I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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