after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
