sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
