You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
