Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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