I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
