Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
