Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
