I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
