You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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