This house was built for laser tag.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
