I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
