my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
My ATM looks so different sober.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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