I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
