He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
