no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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