He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Enjoy the penises
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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