My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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