Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
That accounts for only three of the penises
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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