I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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