Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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