hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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