going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
