My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
