im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
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And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
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So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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