I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
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I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
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He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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