I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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